…and the bite is harder every day.

We spent our Sunday hiking through the mountains at Harold Porter Botanical Gardens in Betty’s Bay up to the top waterfall where my dad and step mom got engaged nearly 20 years ago. I haven’t been hiking with my dad and brothers in such a long time, so it was quite lovely to spend the day building rock bridges to cross flooded paths across the river (we didn’t succeed at this by the way, we gave up eventually and just walked through the freezing water, soaking our shoes and feet in the process).

The waterfall was as magnificent as I remember it – slightly colder though, as we had never climbed up mid-winter.

Once we were back down in the gardens, we parked on the side of the walkway and enjoyed a little picnic, all while talking and joking as we usually do – pelting each other with biltong and popcorn, laughing and being silly. It was the one of the best last days I could have asked for.

Of course, I sat at the dining room table last night, looking at pictures from the day, and started feeling so sad. I realised that, that day was the last day I would spend with my dad and family for a long time – even now, it makes me teary.

The thought of emigrating becomes steadily more and more scary as each day passes – not because I am worried about what awaits us (which I am, but my optimistic side keeps me ever-jubilant), but because of what I will miss when I leave. I’m not a sentimental person, at the best of times. I don’t miss places because of how they look and I don’t miss people the way I think other people miss people, but, the thought of not seeing my dad, step mom and brothers for a while makes me rather sad, because I enjoy their company so very much. I think it’s a bit hard to explain because, I re-read what I have written, it doesn’t convey exactly what I mean to say about how I feel.

I suppose that I just felt an absolute sense of finality when I looked at the pictures I took.

My family are not the only people I feel this way about – I just haven’t had the sensation sweep over me at any other time, besides last night. I think that I will feel more “dreadful” once I actually finish work and have a few hours left in the country.

One thing that is strange to see is how it is affecting our friends – I think, in this situation, everyone is concerned with how the people who are leaving feel, that no one stops to consider how it affects those that are left behind. It seems that you could swear we were being sent to our deaths – but then again, uncertainty being what it is, I suppose it does seem like we will never see our friends again – which we will…we just dont know when.

Excuse the mixed up thoughts, it’s a bit like a train station in here.